NOVEMBER 2015 E-SPIRATION - ON GROWING UP
Happy Fall!
We are entering a period where nature appears to take a rest, the fruits of the year are harvested, we experience more dark and a lot of us anticipate something new to emerge. This is nature's cycle and it teaches us to be in flow rather than trying to force something to be different. It is parallel to our own natural developmental process. Consider the story of the little frog and Mr. Toad:
The little frog planted a seed then stood over it trying to make it grow. Mr. Toad came along and said, "What are you doing, Frog?" Frog said, "I planted a seed and I'm trying to make it grow." Mr. Toad wisely said, "Well, give it some time, water it, see that it gets sunshine and it will grow when it is time for it to grow." The little frog stood over the seed, watered it, made sure it had sunshine and waited and waited and waited and waited. The snow came. Then the snow melted and sure enough a little green sprout was poking up through the ground. Mr. Toad came by and said, "What do you have there Frog?" The little frog said, "A little sprout! It finally grew!" Mr. Toad said, "See, I told you it would grow when it was time for it to grow." The little frog fell over in exhaustion exclaiming, "Oh, I worked SO hard!"
So are we as impatient with our own growing up process at times. We plant seeds and then stand over ourselves trying to force change. We can't will ourselves into maturity any more than we can force a plant to grow. All we can do is prepare the conditions and let nature take it's course in maturing us.
I offer this as encouragement to be gentle with yourself as we wind up the year. Bring softness and gentleness to the inner critical voice that berates and condemns. Focus on the joys that surround you on the journey. Trust the process that is going on outside of what you can "see" and know that you are growing into what you were meant to be.
Blessings ahead!
We are entering a period where nature appears to take a rest, the fruits of the year are harvested, we experience more dark and a lot of us anticipate something new to emerge. This is nature's cycle and it teaches us to be in flow rather than trying to force something to be different. It is parallel to our own natural developmental process. Consider the story of the little frog and Mr. Toad:
The little frog planted a seed then stood over it trying to make it grow. Mr. Toad came along and said, "What are you doing, Frog?" Frog said, "I planted a seed and I'm trying to make it grow." Mr. Toad wisely said, "Well, give it some time, water it, see that it gets sunshine and it will grow when it is time for it to grow." The little frog stood over the seed, watered it, made sure it had sunshine and waited and waited and waited and waited. The snow came. Then the snow melted and sure enough a little green sprout was poking up through the ground. Mr. Toad came by and said, "What do you have there Frog?" The little frog said, "A little sprout! It finally grew!" Mr. Toad said, "See, I told you it would grow when it was time for it to grow." The little frog fell over in exhaustion exclaiming, "Oh, I worked SO hard!"
So are we as impatient with our own growing up process at times. We plant seeds and then stand over ourselves trying to force change. We can't will ourselves into maturity any more than we can force a plant to grow. All we can do is prepare the conditions and let nature take it's course in maturing us.
I offer this as encouragement to be gentle with yourself as we wind up the year. Bring softness and gentleness to the inner critical voice that berates and condemns. Focus on the joys that surround you on the journey. Trust the process that is going on outside of what you can "see" and know that you are growing into what you were meant to be.
Blessings ahead!
AUGUST 2015 E-SPIRATION - VULNERABILITY
I'm amazed how fast the year has gone as we wind down the last few weeks of summer and welcome fall. It has been a pleasure to write about feelings and the nature of being human each month. Just hours after sending last month's newsletter, I was given the opportunity to put everything I've written about into practice, when I received the news that my precious dog of 11 years would not be with us any longer.
I felt my heart break as I reached the point of futility where there was nothing to be done but grieve and cry and let it all come out. I literally felt a cracking in my chest and other areas of my body. Over the last 10 years I have been experientially working with the concepts I share with you each month. That foundation gave me the ability to allow all the agony, fear, and futility I was feeling to come up, be felt, expressed, and survived. I can honestly say I haven't experienced that much pain in my life, and while I was in it I didn't know if I would come out of it. But I did. It didn't happen instantly…it took a couple of days. And I still get small waves -- after shocks of sadness when I think of him and miss him. He was a good dog. The best. He taught me so much about being in the moment and about unconditional acceptance and love. And even with his passing, he taught me that I can survive futility, that I can expand to embrace it and continue living. And even feel happiness.
Why am I writing about this? Because most people would rather have a diagnosis -- or two or three -- than feel the profound grief that lies at the bottom of our wounds. It takes the cultivation of A LOT of vulnerability to be able to move into that territory. And it is possible. That is the message I wish to share….
Usually we create a lot of anxiety and tension in our bodies from holding back the feelings we are trying not to feel. With practice, allowing, self-compassion, self-acceptance and courage we can learn to honor these feelings and discover the expansion and healing balm available when we let them move through us.
That is my wish for all of us…to embrace our humanity and allow our vulnerability…and reap the rich rewards that lie beyond.
In honor of Samson,
Many blessings in your continued growth and expansion into loving…..
I felt my heart break as I reached the point of futility where there was nothing to be done but grieve and cry and let it all come out. I literally felt a cracking in my chest and other areas of my body. Over the last 10 years I have been experientially working with the concepts I share with you each month. That foundation gave me the ability to allow all the agony, fear, and futility I was feeling to come up, be felt, expressed, and survived. I can honestly say I haven't experienced that much pain in my life, and while I was in it I didn't know if I would come out of it. But I did. It didn't happen instantly…it took a couple of days. And I still get small waves -- after shocks of sadness when I think of him and miss him. He was a good dog. The best. He taught me so much about being in the moment and about unconditional acceptance and love. And even with his passing, he taught me that I can survive futility, that I can expand to embrace it and continue living. And even feel happiness.
Why am I writing about this? Because most people would rather have a diagnosis -- or two or three -- than feel the profound grief that lies at the bottom of our wounds. It takes the cultivation of A LOT of vulnerability to be able to move into that territory. And it is possible. That is the message I wish to share….
Usually we create a lot of anxiety and tension in our bodies from holding back the feelings we are trying not to feel. With practice, allowing, self-compassion, self-acceptance and courage we can learn to honor these feelings and discover the expansion and healing balm available when we let them move through us.
That is my wish for all of us…to embrace our humanity and allow our vulnerability…and reap the rich rewards that lie beyond.
In honor of Samson,
Many blessings in your continued growth and expansion into loving…..
JULY 2015 E-SPIRATION - MIXED FEELINGS
Summer Greetings! I have been recommending to all my clients that they see the Disney-Pixar movie Inside Out. One of the many psychological processes the movie illustrates is the idea of "mixed feelings."
(One note about the feelings seen in the movie: Mad (Anger), Sad, Glad (Joy) and Scared (Fear) are joined by Disgust. Until research confirmed in 2014 that there are only 4 basic emotions, there were thought to be 6: mad, sad, glad, scared, disgust and surprised. In 2014, scientists lumped surprised with scared and disgust with mad.)
The ability to have mixed feelings, ambivalence, or cognitive dissonance doesn't become possible until about the age of 5. Until this maturation happens, things are either black or white, there is no experience of gray. A child is either mad or happy; it is a pure experience, not a "mixed" one.
As an adult, it can be frustrating to have mixed feelings. It feels much safer to be whole-heartedly aligned with something. Our anthropological instincts tell us that aligning completely with one side or the other will keep us safe, and many of us have a longing to find the "one right place, person, belief, etc" where we can finally rest and everything will feel all better.
At the end of the movie, an expansion and integration happens. Two feelings share the controls at the same time. Memories hold two feelings simultaneously rather than just one. This is maturation. It isn't comfortable, but such is the nature of growth.
An important distinction from the movie representation is that feelings are not cognitive thoughts. We are a vastly "thinking" society, and thoughts cannot heal emotions. Emotions heal emotions. In fact, our society at large is so under-developed in the world of emotion that we often need therapists, support groups, etc. to foster an environment where we can nurture a friendship with our feelings. I recommend it for everyone!
(One note about the feelings seen in the movie: Mad (Anger), Sad, Glad (Joy) and Scared (Fear) are joined by Disgust. Until research confirmed in 2014 that there are only 4 basic emotions, there were thought to be 6: mad, sad, glad, scared, disgust and surprised. In 2014, scientists lumped surprised with scared and disgust with mad.)
The ability to have mixed feelings, ambivalence, or cognitive dissonance doesn't become possible until about the age of 5. Until this maturation happens, things are either black or white, there is no experience of gray. A child is either mad or happy; it is a pure experience, not a "mixed" one.
As an adult, it can be frustrating to have mixed feelings. It feels much safer to be whole-heartedly aligned with something. Our anthropological instincts tell us that aligning completely with one side or the other will keep us safe, and many of us have a longing to find the "one right place, person, belief, etc" where we can finally rest and everything will feel all better.
At the end of the movie, an expansion and integration happens. Two feelings share the controls at the same time. Memories hold two feelings simultaneously rather than just one. This is maturation. It isn't comfortable, but such is the nature of growth.
An important distinction from the movie representation is that feelings are not cognitive thoughts. We are a vastly "thinking" society, and thoughts cannot heal emotions. Emotions heal emotions. In fact, our society at large is so under-developed in the world of emotion that we often need therapists, support groups, etc. to foster an environment where we can nurture a friendship with our feelings. I recommend it for everyone!
JUNE 2015 E-SPIRATION - ANGER VS. SECONDARY ANGER
This month I want to expand my discussion of ANGER based on some conversations about last month's E-spiration. (For a refresher on past E-spirations click here: http://loricalico.com/e-spiration.html) I had many questions from people who have heard of ANGER being a secondary emotion instead of a basic emotion. It is actually both.
To illustrate the four basic emotions -MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED - I like to go to the animal kingdom because the demonstration is so pure. If an intruder approaches my door, my dog responds with appropriate ANGER. There is nothing to analyze about what might be under the ANGER. It's clear a boundary is being violated. He just defends. Raw emotion, with the physiological responses to facilitate effective action. He also has pure responses for GLAD, SAD and SCARED. He doesn't hold onto these things, he lets them go when appropriate and stays in the moment. If he gets ANGRY with me, he is very quick to forgive me and love me when things are set right again.
Secondary ANGER accumulates over time and continued circumstance. Just like a dog who is abused or constricted in his expression may become a "mean dog" -- think of someone who seems like "an angry person" -- that is an example of secondary ANGER or something else going on "under" the anger. Perhaps frustration, overwhelm, jealousy, disappointment -- some other emotion that hasn't found an outlet for expression so it comes out in ANGER.
Why is this important? Because maturation is all about making friends with our feelings and giving ourselves permission to express them or speak to the information we are learning from them. Our brains (and hearts) cannot simultaneously be defending and maturing. Most of us, growing up in this society, did not have good role models for allowing and expressing our feelings, especially ANGER, so we learned to deny it. This is a form of self-betrayal and can leave us feeling powerless. Expressing ANGER doesn't always have to "bite"…..sometimes it can be as simple as saying, "I feel angry about that." My encouragement is to remember that healing is in the repair, not in never having ruptured. Dare to be authentic in your relationships, and express what is really going on for you. That doesn't mean making another person responsible for your feelings, it simply means expressing the impact a situation is having on you.
It does take practice, but the first step is always observation. Where might you be holding back expressing your ANGER and placing yourself in a victim position? Where might your energy be leaking out in ANGRY ways, indicating something unaddressed is going on under the surface? Observation will lead you where you need to go, and if you feel stuck, I am here to help.
To illustrate the four basic emotions -MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED - I like to go to the animal kingdom because the demonstration is so pure. If an intruder approaches my door, my dog responds with appropriate ANGER. There is nothing to analyze about what might be under the ANGER. It's clear a boundary is being violated. He just defends. Raw emotion, with the physiological responses to facilitate effective action. He also has pure responses for GLAD, SAD and SCARED. He doesn't hold onto these things, he lets them go when appropriate and stays in the moment. If he gets ANGRY with me, he is very quick to forgive me and love me when things are set right again.
Secondary ANGER accumulates over time and continued circumstance. Just like a dog who is abused or constricted in his expression may become a "mean dog" -- think of someone who seems like "an angry person" -- that is an example of secondary ANGER or something else going on "under" the anger. Perhaps frustration, overwhelm, jealousy, disappointment -- some other emotion that hasn't found an outlet for expression so it comes out in ANGER.
Why is this important? Because maturation is all about making friends with our feelings and giving ourselves permission to express them or speak to the information we are learning from them. Our brains (and hearts) cannot simultaneously be defending and maturing. Most of us, growing up in this society, did not have good role models for allowing and expressing our feelings, especially ANGER, so we learned to deny it. This is a form of self-betrayal and can leave us feeling powerless. Expressing ANGER doesn't always have to "bite"…..sometimes it can be as simple as saying, "I feel angry about that." My encouragement is to remember that healing is in the repair, not in never having ruptured. Dare to be authentic in your relationships, and express what is really going on for you. That doesn't mean making another person responsible for your feelings, it simply means expressing the impact a situation is having on you.
It does take practice, but the first step is always observation. Where might you be holding back expressing your ANGER and placing yourself in a victim position? Where might your energy be leaking out in ANGRY ways, indicating something unaddressed is going on under the surface? Observation will lead you where you need to go, and if you feel stuck, I am here to help.
MAY 2015 E-SPIRATION - ANGER
I hope you are enjoying your spring and getting ready for a fantastic summer! School will be out soon and kids are home and sometimes this means disrupted schedules and negotiating space and privacy. So I thought it might be nice to discuss a topic that keeps coming up for me personally and professionally. Expressing ANGER.
ANGER often gets a bad rap in the range of human emotions. The 4 basic emotions are MAD, SAD, GLAD and SCARED. Sometimes, I hear people proudly claim that they never experience ANGER. That isn't really possible as long as we are human, and it is more likely that they have cut off the experience of ANGER from their conscious awareness. This is often because they have experienced being the recipient of misdirected ANGER, or witnessed destructive ANGER and they have decided they want NO part of that. Understandable. Unfortunately, repressed ANGER leaks out in covert and passive aggressive ways and can also be damaging to relationships and personal integrity; and sometimes turned inward resulting in depression.
Consider that ANGER is simply information. Some possibilities are that it may indicate a boundary has been violated, an attachment alarm is sounding, or a past trauma has been stirred up. When you feel ANGER and don't express it you put yourself in a victim position. Repetitively suppressing ANGER can lead to explosive outbursts once the pressure builds enough.
Coming into right relationship with ANGER is a positive intention and a life long journey. My encouragement is to observe, notice, embrace and adjust based on what you discover. You are not your ANGER -- you are a human being experiencing an emotion -- and that is healthy! Learning to express ANGER skillfully has a learning curve just like anything new -- be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you grow.
ANGER often gets a bad rap in the range of human emotions. The 4 basic emotions are MAD, SAD, GLAD and SCARED. Sometimes, I hear people proudly claim that they never experience ANGER. That isn't really possible as long as we are human, and it is more likely that they have cut off the experience of ANGER from their conscious awareness. This is often because they have experienced being the recipient of misdirected ANGER, or witnessed destructive ANGER and they have decided they want NO part of that. Understandable. Unfortunately, repressed ANGER leaks out in covert and passive aggressive ways and can also be damaging to relationships and personal integrity; and sometimes turned inward resulting in depression.
Consider that ANGER is simply information. Some possibilities are that it may indicate a boundary has been violated, an attachment alarm is sounding, or a past trauma has been stirred up. When you feel ANGER and don't express it you put yourself in a victim position. Repetitively suppressing ANGER can lead to explosive outbursts once the pressure builds enough.
Coming into right relationship with ANGER is a positive intention and a life long journey. My encouragement is to observe, notice, embrace and adjust based on what you discover. You are not your ANGER -- you are a human being experiencing an emotion -- and that is healthy! Learning to express ANGER skillfully has a learning curve just like anything new -- be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you grow.
APRIL 2015 E-SPIRATION - ADOLESCENCE
Let's talk about that wonderful time period we call Adolescence!
Hormones, body changes, brain reconstruction, and identity searching are just a few of the significant challenges that adolescents face leaving parents scratching their heads, worrying and crying in frustration. Adolescence is now considered to extend into the early 20s. That is a lot of years to have a relationship feel strained, so here are a couple suggestions to hopefully make it feel easier.
First of all, consider that adolescence hasn't been around for very long. It wasn't very many years ago that boys became men and providers and girls became women and mothers at about the age of 14. What that means is we have no parental instincts for this time period. Of course it's hard! Give yourself a break!
Second, our society has deemed adolescence as a time when peers become more important than parents. This is a great tragedy as peers are not a safe and suitable attachment over good parents. Don't undervalue your role, even if they try to convince you otherwise. They will kick, but by staying in alpha you provide the container they really need to feel safe.
Third, keeping your adolescents attached to you is the same as keeping younger children attached (and your partner for that matter). Use the same concepts I highlighted in previous months about "collecting" and "bridging" and holding space for them while they "grieve" their own futilities. Don't forget to grieve yours too!
A word about what it means to be the "alpha"….it is not a power trip or an excuse for using force and control. It's about who you are to your child. It's about being their answer, their provider, their attachment. This means the child can stay at rest from the work of attachment and basic needs and put their energy into the task of maturation.
Being a parent, or being the answer to someone else, is when a human being turns the corner from narcissism to service. This is where true adulthood happens!
Hormones, body changes, brain reconstruction, and identity searching are just a few of the significant challenges that adolescents face leaving parents scratching their heads, worrying and crying in frustration. Adolescence is now considered to extend into the early 20s. That is a lot of years to have a relationship feel strained, so here are a couple suggestions to hopefully make it feel easier.
First of all, consider that adolescence hasn't been around for very long. It wasn't very many years ago that boys became men and providers and girls became women and mothers at about the age of 14. What that means is we have no parental instincts for this time period. Of course it's hard! Give yourself a break!
Second, our society has deemed adolescence as a time when peers become more important than parents. This is a great tragedy as peers are not a safe and suitable attachment over good parents. Don't undervalue your role, even if they try to convince you otherwise. They will kick, but by staying in alpha you provide the container they really need to feel safe.
Third, keeping your adolescents attached to you is the same as keeping younger children attached (and your partner for that matter). Use the same concepts I highlighted in previous months about "collecting" and "bridging" and holding space for them while they "grieve" their own futilities. Don't forget to grieve yours too!
A word about what it means to be the "alpha"….it is not a power trip or an excuse for using force and control. It's about who you are to your child. It's about being their answer, their provider, their attachment. This means the child can stay at rest from the work of attachment and basic needs and put their energy into the task of maturation.
Being a parent, or being the answer to someone else, is when a human being turns the corner from narcissism to service. This is where true adulthood happens!
MARCH 2015 E-SPIRATION - BRIDGING
Happy Spring!
I always think of baby animals in the springtime. My dog, Samson, likes to be next to someone at all times. When my son is home alone in his room with the door closed, Samson lies next to his door. This demonstrates the instinctual attachment cry. As a mammal, we need attachment. It is not something we can change with therapy or personal growth -- it is a basic need, just like air and water.
Healthy attachments help us thrive. Unhealthy attachments can increase our anxiety, insecurity, and feeling that something is wrong with us. Last month, I talked about "collecting" a person when you are in the room with them -- but how do we maintain attachment when we have to be separated? We can do this by BRIDGING.
BRIDGING is connecting to the next time we will be together. When dropping the kids off at school you might say, "We'll have your favorite snack when you get home from school." Or to your spouse you might say, "I'm looking forward to our date Friday night." Or a small child may need to hear, "I'll have 5 hugs for you when you wake up in the morning."
Connecting through the senses when we can't be together is another way to BRIDGE attachment. Leaving a picture of Mommy on a child's nightstand, giving a child a blanket that smells like Daddy while they are with the sitter, sending a favorite family snack in the lunch pail, leaving a note to be found….the creative options are limitless….and all serve to BRIDGE the attachment during times of separation. It is a very loving thing to do for a relationship, as our greatest fear as humans is that we are alone.
May you plant and harvest many seeds of healthy attachment this season!
I always think of baby animals in the springtime. My dog, Samson, likes to be next to someone at all times. When my son is home alone in his room with the door closed, Samson lies next to his door. This demonstrates the instinctual attachment cry. As a mammal, we need attachment. It is not something we can change with therapy or personal growth -- it is a basic need, just like air and water.
Healthy attachments help us thrive. Unhealthy attachments can increase our anxiety, insecurity, and feeling that something is wrong with us. Last month, I talked about "collecting" a person when you are in the room with them -- but how do we maintain attachment when we have to be separated? We can do this by BRIDGING.
BRIDGING is connecting to the next time we will be together. When dropping the kids off at school you might say, "We'll have your favorite snack when you get home from school." Or to your spouse you might say, "I'm looking forward to our date Friday night." Or a small child may need to hear, "I'll have 5 hugs for you when you wake up in the morning."
Connecting through the senses when we can't be together is another way to BRIDGE attachment. Leaving a picture of Mommy on a child's nightstand, giving a child a blanket that smells like Daddy while they are with the sitter, sending a favorite family snack in the lunch pail, leaving a note to be found….the creative options are limitless….and all serve to BRIDGE the attachment during times of separation. It is a very loving thing to do for a relationship, as our greatest fear as humans is that we are alone.
May you plant and harvest many seeds of healthy attachment this season!
FEBRUARY 2015 E-SPIRATION - RELATIONSHIP
Last month I wrote about grieving in order to free up energy for what you want to create this year. Since I think of February as "love" month, I'm sharing some thoughts on RELATIONSHIP.
I love Gordon Neufeld's advice about "collecting a child," and find it a good strategy for any relationship. There are three steps:
1) Make Eye Contact
2) Get a Smile
3) Get a Nod
When you have RECEIVED these three things (or something similar) you have permission to exist in the presence of the other person. Likewise when you GIVE these three things, you have affirmed to the other person that they have a right to exist in your presence. This is the essence of the buddhist greeting, Namaste, or the light in me recognizes and acknowledges the light in you.
To know that you have the right to exist in one's presence is a foundational element of RELATIONSHIP and attachment. Having secure attachments brings us to rest. Rest (or freedom from worry and anxiety) is where growth and development can flourish. It is also where RELATIONSHIP can deepen.
Next time you want to have a conversation, make a request, or express a need in a RELATIONSHIP, pay attention to "collecting" the person first and see if it facilitates a deeper connection and more graceful communication. If you are a parent, make a conscious effort to do the "work" of attachment by transmitting the message of your child's right to exist in your presence. All it takes is eye contact, a smile and a nod!
I love Gordon Neufeld's advice about "collecting a child," and find it a good strategy for any relationship. There are three steps:
1) Make Eye Contact
2) Get a Smile
3) Get a Nod
When you have RECEIVED these three things (or something similar) you have permission to exist in the presence of the other person. Likewise when you GIVE these three things, you have affirmed to the other person that they have a right to exist in your presence. This is the essence of the buddhist greeting, Namaste, or the light in me recognizes and acknowledges the light in you.
To know that you have the right to exist in one's presence is a foundational element of RELATIONSHIP and attachment. Having secure attachments brings us to rest. Rest (or freedom from worry and anxiety) is where growth and development can flourish. It is also where RELATIONSHIP can deepen.
Next time you want to have a conversation, make a request, or express a need in a RELATIONSHIP, pay attention to "collecting" the person first and see if it facilitates a deeper connection and more graceful communication. If you are a parent, make a conscious effort to do the "work" of attachment by transmitting the message of your child's right to exist in your presence. All it takes is eye contact, a smile and a nod!
JANUARY 2015 E-SPIRATION - GRIEVING
Happy New Year!
Hopefully you are feeling the optimism and renewal that seems to come with the passing of an old year, and hope for the new. Many people use this time to review accomplishments, goals, hopes and wishes. But few of you may have considered adding GRIEVING to your list of considerations. Yes, you read it correctly: GRIEVING. Why would I suggest such a notion?
Have you ever held a child who scraped their knee while they cried out all their tears, only to have them hop off your lap and return to play as if the world had just been set right again? This is an example of the ENERGY retrieval which comes from GRIEVING to the bottom of something. Developmental psychologist, Gordon Neufeld, proposes two ways in which we develop emergent ENERGY. One comes from all needs being met, which creates the safety and security from which exploration and creation can emerge. The other is from GRIEVING. As adults, we no longer have the luxury of parents who supply all our needs, so we have to achieve it through GRIEVING.
So often we avoid the experience of GRIEVING because it is uncomfortable, or we have judgments about it being unattractive or undesirable, or we don't really understand how to do it, and the list goes on. But suppressing the natural process of grief, also suppresses the emergent ENERGY available from allowing ourselves to experience this part of being human.
Supporting people through the grief process is part of my work as a psychotherapist. It is a beautiful thing to witness the flow of vulnerability, grieving and subsequent transformation.
It's a new year! Unleash your ENERGY and make it a great one!
Hopefully you are feeling the optimism and renewal that seems to come with the passing of an old year, and hope for the new. Many people use this time to review accomplishments, goals, hopes and wishes. But few of you may have considered adding GRIEVING to your list of considerations. Yes, you read it correctly: GRIEVING. Why would I suggest such a notion?
Have you ever held a child who scraped their knee while they cried out all their tears, only to have them hop off your lap and return to play as if the world had just been set right again? This is an example of the ENERGY retrieval which comes from GRIEVING to the bottom of something. Developmental psychologist, Gordon Neufeld, proposes two ways in which we develop emergent ENERGY. One comes from all needs being met, which creates the safety and security from which exploration and creation can emerge. The other is from GRIEVING. As adults, we no longer have the luxury of parents who supply all our needs, so we have to achieve it through GRIEVING.
So often we avoid the experience of GRIEVING because it is uncomfortable, or we have judgments about it being unattractive or undesirable, or we don't really understand how to do it, and the list goes on. But suppressing the natural process of grief, also suppresses the emergent ENERGY available from allowing ourselves to experience this part of being human.
Supporting people through the grief process is part of my work as a psychotherapist. It is a beautiful thing to witness the flow of vulnerability, grieving and subsequent transformation.
It's a new year! Unleash your ENERGY and make it a great one!